Tuesday, May 20, 2014
It was a slip-up of epic proportions. The perpetrators responsible for the ongoing crime spree at the Adrian Branch Library made an error that we hope will lead to their apprehension. Last week, Chief Langseth discovered a mobile telephone in the library. For a week, the Chief analyzed the phone. For hours he worked at cracking the code to unlock the phone.
Chief Langseth, after cracking the code (411Dr@g0n5!), was able to access a number of photographs – hundreds, to be frank. Not only were the perpetrators guilty of the crimes, they made a detailed photographic record of each and every crime that they committed at the Adrian Branch Library since January of this year.
Not surprisingly, the very first photo found by the Chief was a group selfie – boldly snapped in the Library itself.
What was surprising is that the perpetrators are not human! The selfie proved – as did all the crime photos – that DRAGONS are responsible for each and every crime at the Adrian Branch Library.
That’s right: DRAGONS!
From pouring baby powder all over the Library, to sailing a pirate ship down the center hallway, to driving motorcycles past the reference section . . . it seems that nothing was too nefarious for those dragons to try. The dragons also made themselves at home at the Library – they watched movies, including “The Reluctant Dragon;” they had pillow fights; they jousted by the castle. Photo after photo showed one heinous act after another.
In a forum at the Adrian Elementary School on Tuesday afternoon, Chief Langseth was present while photos of the perpetrators were shown to the audience. The Chief reluctantly admitted that although the perps had been identified, they had not as of yet been apprehended.
It seems that the perps are on the lam!
The Chief is asking for any and all to assist in finding – and apprehending – the perpetrators. Where will the dragons go? Where can they hide? What will be their next move?
If you have any idea as to where the perpetrators can be found, please contact the Adrian Branch Library: 507 483-2541; firstname.lastname@example.org . We will continue to add crime photos to this blog, in hopes it will help to catch the perpetrators. Your help is greatly appreciated.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
What a mistake!
Perhaps it was during a quick get-away that the perpetrators left something behind. Perhaps it was during a crime attempt that our perps left behind the evidence found by Chief Langseth.
Whatever the cause – the evidence was left, to be found by our eagle-eyed law enforcement officer. The evidence was small, about 1” long, weighing almost nothing. Lesser trained eyes would have missed it entirely. Small, true, but big in terms of solving the crime.
The perpetrators had left behind a mobile phone. Precursor to the cell phone, the mobile phone appears to hold definitive clues as to the identity of the perpetrators. There has been much speculation as to the identity of the perpetrators. A random sampling of elementary students over the past few weeks has resulted in two people topping the head of the suspect list: Chief Langseth himself, and Adrian Elementary School Librarian, Sherrilyn Klaassen. With the evidence on the mobile phone, it appears that neither one is the true culprit.
Some wondered: are the culprits the Library staff? Are Meredith Vaselaar, Librarian, Joan Johnson, Library Page, and Alpharetta Palaschak, Library Clerk, responsible for the chaos? Nay. None of the library ladies will be charged with the crimes.
Who, then, is responsible for these heinous deeds?
For the rest of the week, Chief Langseth will be analyzing the data that will be mined from the mobile phone. Langseth will be on his own in uncovering the secrets of the phone. (Despite repeated attempts to enlist the assistance of Homeland Security, the NSA, the FBI, the CIA, and Guy Noir, Langseth has come to the disturbing realization that the Adrian Branch Library Crime Spree of 2014 does not warrant national aid. No matter, Langseth has made it thus far on his own, and has vowed to solve the crime using just the members of his own small police department.)
The evidence culled from the mobile phone will be presented at the Adrian Elementary School on Tuesday afternoon, May 20. By that time, Langseth plans to have photos from the phone ready for display to an eager crowd. Shortly after the public presentation, a few evidentiary photos, identifying the perpetrators, will be posted online on the official crime spree blog site: http://adrianbranchlibrary.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Perchance there were Pirates perusing the books in the Library. When a skull and crossbones are found in the Library, there are not many other conclusions to reach. Chief of Police Shawn Langseth was quick to arrive at the Library on Monday, May 5, and he had this to say: “Pirates are known for having a penchant for playful pranks.”
Librarian Meredith Vaselaar pensively perused the crime scene, pondering its meaning. The preponderance of evidence pointed to perpetrators of a perplexing sort. Could it be that nothing is as it seemed? Chief Langseth mapped the plethora of evidence with perfect precision.
And where did the evidence point? Once again, pirates: or are the perpetrators merely PRETENDING to be pirates? Our Chief paced the floor, wearing a hole into the patterned tile. When pacing produced nothing, the Chief picked up the skull and peered into its (empty) eyes, which held nothing. Therefore, it was clear that there was nothing to be gained by picking its (lack of) brain.
Skull, pickax, sword, waves, pirate tomes and paper hats peppered the carpet. Fingerprints? Nay. Booty left behind? Nay. Pirates are too practical to leave forensic evidence.
Fear not, ye whose stomachs are churning from lack of progress (or bad alliteration, whatever) – it is believed that there will be a significant breakthrough within the fortnight, and the perpetrators will soon be identified.
One can practically smell the perpetrators closing in, leaving a pungent odor that permeates the place. . (Oh, puh leeze . . . don’t try to stop me when I’m on a roll.)
Chief Langseth has promised to bring the perps to perdition. If anyone can do it, he can.