Wednesday, March 26, 2014

FEATHERS? REALLY?! March 24, 2014


Feathers.  That’s what Librarian Meredith Vaselaar found when she opened the Adrian Branch Library on Monday, March 24, 2014.  She placed a frantic phone call to our fine Chief of Police Shawn Langseth.  He arrived at the Library to find a frazzled Vaselaar frantically pacing the floor.

Chief Langseth took a look at the feathers adorning the floor and was flummoxed – what fiends could have left such a fluffy mess?  There were no fresh footprints or fingerprints left at the scene.  After so many weeks of fractious behavior from the perpetrators, it would indeed have been farfetched to believe the crimes would end.

It was feckless for the Chief to attempt to appease the furious Librarian.  “Do not fret,” he advised the Librarian, as filoplumes floated up from her frenetic footsteps, “we shall not be forestalled by this latest folderol!” 

Our favorite editor, Kathy Burzlaff, met with Chief Langseth to ask about the latest Library fiasco.  “What is your plan to foil these feisty fugitives?” she asked. 

“I shall forge ahead, fervidly follow their trails, and never falter in my quest for justice,” vowed Chief Langseth.  With a furtive glance around the room, he hinted that he had a fool-proof plan up his sleeve.  “The perps can – and will - be fobbed!  When that happens, this farce will be finished!” said he, with an intensity that, frankly, flabbergasted this reporter.  Indeed, the man seemed inflexible in his determination to bring down the fowl villains.

For you faithful readers and faithful patrons, we ask you to be forthright in your assistance in finding these foxy offenders.  Have you any idea who could be causing such furor in our Library?  If so, please stop by the Library, or email your suspicions to the Librarian at .  No feather shall be left unturned in this matter!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014



What a wonderful St. Patrick’s Dad it was for the staff at the Adrian Branch Library!  When the staff arrived, they found their old tape dispenser sitting atop the circulation desk.  Ah! Joy! Rapture! Bliss!  The happiness of the staff and its trusted tape dispenser could not be described in words alone. 

The joy was somewhat dampened by the realization that the tape dispenser was too traumatized by its ordeal to complete its final two weeks of work.  The tape dispenser has been officially retired and is resting comfortably amongst its friends, including the stapler, the three-hole-puncher, the ruler, and Ralph. 

This is all good news.

What about the bad news?

The Library staff was shocked (albeit ecstatic) by the return of the tape dispenser.  They were NOT, however, shocked to see that another gruesome crime had taken place.

Those dastardly perpetrators had defaced revered Library property.  In what was a true act of vicious vandalism, those turgid terrors took it upon themselves to add tasteless illustrations to a photo of the erstwhile comely Librarians.

Malicious? Yes.  Baneful? Of course!  Beyond abominable? ABSOLUTELY!

Chief of Police Shawn Langseth scrutinized the photo and had this to say, “I noted that the illustrators were not particularly gifted.  I have to say that it is bad enough that the photograph was marred, but for the perpetrators to have done such a poor job?  That is truly contemptible!”

Chief Langseth is asking for the public’s help in keeping an eye out for possible suspects.  “I think it is safe to ignore seasoned graffiti-artists in this case,” says Langseth, “I believe we are looking for someone who does not have a lot of experience in public doodling.”

Tuesday, March 11, 2014



Librarian Meredith Vaselaar entered the Adrian Branch Library on Monday morning, March 10, hoping to find that the old tape dispenser had been returned. Alas! That hope was dashed.  Not surprisingly, there was another mess: a scattering of books on the story time carpet.  No footprints, no fingerprints, no stray piece of lint to be found. 

But there was something else found, something so disturbing, so diabolical, as to shock even this poor reporter.

The kidnappers had left a single photograph on the circulation desk. 

Why was the photograph so shocking? It appears that the perpetrators had photographed the library’s tape dispenser in front of the article about its disappearance as printed on page 2 in the February 26, 2014, issue of the “Nobles County Review.” 

Chief of Police Shawn Langseth was called in to investigate this latest development.  “As this photograph indicates, the tape dispenser is still viable,” says Langseth, “but we have no idea how long this will be the case.”  The message was clear, however:  either give in to the kidnappers’ demands of candy, or never see the tape dispenser again. 

This proved to be too much for Librarian Vaselaar.  “We MUST give in to their unreasonable and selfish demands!” said she, “We simply cannot go on like this!”  Against his better judgment, Chief Langseth agreed to step aside to allow the Librarian to take matters into her own hands.  “We will fulfill the perpetrators’ demands,” says Vaselaar, “I know we don’t have the budget to provide unlimited supplies of sweets for these criminals, but we can’t afford not to!”

A plan is in place for Saturday, March 15.  On that day, after closing, the Librarian will leave unmarked, non-sequential, miniature candy bars in the Library treat basket on the circulation desk.  The secret hidden camera housed behind the desk (a Kiwi-shoe-polish-can pin-hole camera, cleverly concealed as an Andy Warhol style sculpture --- pretty much the best the Library could afford during these tough economic times) is set to capture any nefarious activity that might take place over the weekend. 

The Chief of Police, as well as Library staff, is asking the public to keep its collective eyes open for any out-of-the-ordinary suspicious activity in or near the Adrian Branch Library. 


The Adrian Branch Library now has a Secret Hidden Camera (SHC) located behind the circulation desk.  Due to budget constraints, it is a home-made Kiwi-shoe-polish-can pinhole camera.  The SHC is cleverly concealed inside a cardboard box that was spray painted black.  Two Librarian action figures stand as sentinels on either side of the SHC, in an effort to discourage closer inspection of the camera.  Only time will tell if this ploy will be successful in identifying the perpetrator(s).

Wednesday, March 5, 2014



The Adrian Branch Library has been the scene of yet another break-in!  Was it a coincidence that on the weekend that Librarian Meredith Vaselaar was out-of-town mischievous miscreants had created mayhem in the library?  I think not!

On Monday, March 3, 2014, library clerks Joan and Alpharetta experienced the same feeling of horror that Librarian Vaselaar had felt the previous five Mondays.  Upon opening up the library that morning, the two loyal staffers discovered that there was a mess to be cleaned up.  It took very little imagination to see that someone – or something – had been watching movies while the library was closed.  Popcorn and snack wrappers were scattered on books, on chairs, and on the floor.  A movie was still trapped in the laptop computer, which had been moved from the desk to a make-shift table across the one-room library.

“I feel very much maligned,” said the Librarian, when she learned of the crime.  Chief of Police Shawn Langseth mulled over the evidence, before concluding that the identities of the perpetrators, as well as the motives, were a mystery.  “Could it have been movie-watching monkeys that mushed the munchies on the floor?” Chief Langseth mused, “Or malaperts who have taken to mocking the mesdames of the library?”  

Moreover, how did the meddlesome miscreants make movie mayhem while still managing to maintain their mysterious identity? 

‘Tis a puzzlement!

Mayhap, now that a secret hidden camera has been installed at the library, the miscreants will be caught and made to atone for their malfeasance!